THE SEARCH FOR SASQUATCH

Okay, admit it, in the back of your mind you want to believe.  Every

few years a new grainy video comes out to prove the existence of a Bigfoot once and for all.  I want to see one, along with a ghost and a UFO full of little green men.  If I could step out of my house and see a flying saucer touch down, the door open and all three of these entities invite me to sit down and have a Diet Dr Pepper and a bag of Puffy Cheetos, I’d be the happiest man on the planet.  I’d want to get a good clear shot of them with my digital camera to prove to the skeptics it really happened.

Last month a friend of mine found a link on the internet announcing the First Annual Sasquatch Conference in Cripple Creek.  I was excited!  Surely a group of people who dedicate their lives, or at least a lot of their spare time to the quest would be able to provide some compelling evidence, and hopefully have some cool tee shirts for sale as well.  With high hopes we departed for the high country to be convinced the Sasquatch is a living being and not just a vague image in the mind of someone full of beef jerky and cheap whiskey.

The conference was set to run from 10am until 2pm.  We arrived ten minutes early to find six people there.  We signed in and were invited to camp with the group overnight and look for evidence in the forest.  Since we had to work the next morning we declined.  Twenty minutes later the room was full.  It was then we realized the proper dress code for the event was camouflage outerwear with a Bigfoot tee shirt.  Many of the attendees accessorized their ensemble with knives of various sizes.  It was time for the festivities to begin. 

The first speaker gave a slide presentation along with a few short videos.  He had made several trips to a location along the Front Range where a sighting was reported a couple of years ago.  He pointed out a possible footprint in the snow.  It has never been explained to me why a huge Sasquatch can walk for miles in the snow and leave only one vague footprint.

The presentation was going along as I expected when the speaker stopped on a picture of a group of trees thirty or forty yards away.

He pointed to a shadow in a tree and said, “Here is one of the several that were stalking me.”  Before I could digest that statement he pointed to another shadow and said it was also stalking him.  Nobody in the room seemed to be the least bit surprised.

Later we found out broken trees in the forest, especially small Aspens, are a sure sign of a Sasquatch in the area.  A broken sapling snapped at a height of six to eight feet is usually a dead giveaway.

After a winter of killing other animals and living on a diet of meat, tree bark is a welcome change.  The first speaker, the one being stalked, displayed a picture of a huge tree on the ground and said it was likely done by a Sasquatch looking for rabbits living in the root system.  A Sasquatch with a bulldozer might have taken it down, but it definitely wasn’t done by hand or paws.

There was a picture of a cave in the distance with a lot of trees in front of the entrance.  He pointed out some dark shadows and proclaimed them to be a Sasquatch, or maybe one of the dog men that are seen in the vicinity when there is Sasquatch present.  They are not as tall as a Sasquatch, but hairy with a pointed nose and a tail.

They were created by tribal shaman hundreds of years ago to fight the Sasquatch, but have since joined them.  I’m not making this up.

As he was leaving the area on his final search he was overwhelmed with a feeling of fear.  He became tired and unfocused, and after returning home he sat on his porch and stared into space for long periods of time.  I later learned this is a condition that is telepathically induced by the Sasquatch onto humans.  To the true believers it is known as being sizzled.  My wife is one hundred percent human and she can give me the sizzle effect any time I make a mistake or otherwise upset her, so it isn’t uncommon among our own species.

Having being sizzled, the brave hunter made his way back to his jeep, only to find the Sasquatch had disabled it and removed the rear axle.  It is a shame there wasn’t anyone around to get a picture of that. 

A lady from the area showed us a handful of hair everyone suspected of being from a Sasquatch.  I grew up around horses, and it looked amazingly like horse hair when a tail got caught in a barbed wire fence. 

The last half of the conference was conducted by two men who have a close relationship with a Sasquatch family in a super-secret undisclosed location here in Colorado.  When they sleep in their large outfitters tent the Sasquatch will poke them through the wall during the night.  When they put food out for them in the forest, the next day it is GONE!  Who can dispute that kind of evidence?  What other creature would eat food left out in the woods overnight?

I left the conference having been highly entertained.  Usually I leave Cripple Creek broke and depressed.  I can’t wait until the Second Annual Sasquatch Conference. Hopefully next year a Sasquatch will show up to sign autographs and pose for pictures.